A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REVIEWER OF SEX TOYS – THE EVENING

THE EVENING

You’re ready for a break after battling dust particles and cat hair in Photoshop. You wash your new toys and place them on your bedside table in a mound.

“I’ll be in the other room,” you offer, waving your notebook in front of your partner.

“Do you require assistance?” Your companion inquires, his face a little too innocent.

You wring your hands. “I’ll call you if it becomes enjoyable.”

You take out your notebook and scribble the names of your new possessions. You begin by describing your experience under “Session 1.” Generally speaking, your writing becomes sloppy as you progress through the better toys. Your concentration begins to fade, and you begin to litter your notebook with spelling errors and crooked letters.

However, not today. Around halfway through, your army of cats misinterprets your reviewing session as prime cuddling time and attempts to take over your bed by curling up in the nook of your arm. You nudge them aside, oblivious to their irate chattering.

Today, you’re yawning after twenty minutes. The vibrations produced by this toy are uninspiring. Your eyelids begin to droop and you notice that your kitties have returned to your bed, snuggled up and cute and sleeping. The vibe is no longer in your control. It’s slipping beneath your legs, hidden beneath the sheets.

You awaken an hour later from your unexpected snooze with the urgent need to pee. You’ve consumed an excessive amount of tea today.

“How did it go?” Your spouse inquires.

“Horrible,” you exclaim as you boot up your PC. You’re hoping that the next four sessions with that mood are similarly remarkable. It’s tedious to write about mundane toys.

You launch adult toy(성인용품) and navigate to a draft review of a toy you’ve been holding for weeks. Scandalous photographs cover the post, instilling fear in you that your neighbours can see your screen through the windows. You write swiftly, more quickly than usual, because you were playing with a toy.

Your mother calls halfway through writing to see how you’re doing. You fabricate an excuse by claiming to be watching television. She is always calling when you are writing a review. She believes you watch a lot of television. You concur, your teeth gnashing silently. She invites you to visit the next day. Your gaze wanders across the room, taking note of the boxes, wrapping, and dildos stacked around. Cleaning. There will be an abundance.

SLEEP TIME

Later, when it’s time to retire for the night, you glance around your room at the tools. You seize the wedge and begin your dance, your partner smiling. You’ve forgotten about the shady public relations guys and the sluggish mailman. You forget about the cat hair and the Photoshop battles, as well as the mood that lulled you to sleep. Those battles can wait until tomorrow. Tonight? Tonight, you will reap the rewards.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REVIEWER OF SEX TOYS – THE AFTERNOON

THE AFTERNOON

You take a look at your new adult sex toy(성인용품) package after lunch. You keep a close eye out for any indicators of shady shipment. When you see “SEX ADVENTURE GEAR” on the side of the box next to the company’s sexy-sounding name, you grimace. You’re hoping the mailman didn’t notice. When you open the package, though, all of that fades away, replaced by the wonderful adrenaline rush that comes with seeing new, fresh, attractive things.

You hold the different packages of dildos and vibrators for a few wonderful seconds before being jolted back to reality by a thread of floating cat hair gliding past your fingertip. You’re about to run out of time.

You dash to your wardrobe and grab your improvised photography lightbox. To find an appropriate backdrop, you rummage through piles of colored satin. You’re ready to start the race after plugging in your spot lights and setting up the lighbox on the couch. Your cat’s huge yellow eyes stare up at you, as if taunting you.

You hurriedly shoot those shots as if your life depended on it. Midway through, you notice that cat hair and dust have begun to collect on your new toys and stick to them. You quicken your steps, but it’s too late. You’ve been defeated. Your toy is strewn with fine black cat fur strands. Your pace slows, and loss is unavoidable. All you have to do now is clean it up in Photoshop for an hour. Your cat meows and smugly tries to get inside the photography lightbox.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REVIEWER OF SEX TOYS – THE MORNING

A SEX TOY REVIEWER’S DAY IN THE LIFE OR WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING (SEX TOYS)

Do you want to know what it’s like to walk in my shoes? My days have been punctuated with pretty uncommon experiences since I began blogging about sex toys(성인용품)…

THE MORNING

It’s 6 a.m. on Friday. In pursuit of your spectacles, your hand flails towards the bedside table, but your fingers curl around a bright red dildo instead. Even though you should be used to it, you jump at the contact. Your hand finds your glasses among the rubble of yesterday’s bullet vibrations after a few more blind grasps.

You’re sitting at your computer with your morning toast and tea a few minutes later. You grin as you read the polite emails from possible sex toy providers and spend a few minutes reading their product pages to find a toy to evaluate. When you come across jelly dildos, you wrinkle your nose.

Then you open an email from a corporation whose public relations representative uses ambiguous non-committal language. Yes, the review will be completed within a month. No, I’m not going to pay for shipping. Yes, we agreed that you would send me anything a month ago. Is it still the case that you’re sending what you said you’d send? I need to know so that I don’t take one from a competitor. Hello? Is there a way to track my package? The thing that tells me where the shipment is, a tracking number. Is there such a thing? Hello? Hello..?

A van pulls up alongside your apartment building, and you hear it. Your heart skips a beat, and you dash to the window. The postman. You quickly put on some jeans and shoes and dash down the stairs to catch up with the mailman before he reaches the building. When he sees you, his eyes narrow. He thinks you’re a mail scammer.

He says, holding boxes in his arms and attempting to push by you, “Nothing for you today.”

“How about that one over there?” says the narrator. You indicate the large box.

He sighs and reads by twisting his neck. “Nope, that belongs to #607.”

You say, “That’s the building number.” “Do it again.”

He double-checks and recognizes his error. You exhale a sigh of relief as he delivers you the box. SUCCESS! Once again, you’ve spared flat #607 from a dangerously sluggish postman delivering your kinky toys. You take the elevator with the reward in your hand.